Finding yourself

I think globally now there is a shift taking place. A shift in awareness. More and more people are becoming aware of themselves and their environment. This increased awareness, in turn, results in deep questioning. Questioning everything, who am I, why am I here, what is my purpose?

The aim of this blog post isn’t to answer these questions for you, in fact, I do not believe anything outside of yourself can answer these questions for you. Reading books, articles and autobiographies can take you a long way and point you in the right direction, but ultimately the questions have to be answered on a visceral level rather than just on an intellectual level. Finding yourself, getting to know the essence that is you is the single most intimate and fulfilling act of self-love.

Restlessness

It all starts with restlessness. At least that’s how it started for me. An inability to enjoy things you used to in the past.  Feeling a deep sense of dissatisfaction with where you are in your life. Becoming a bit distant and constantly questioning, questioning, questioning.. EVERYTHING. Now before you say, my darling this is basically depression, let me clarify. Depression has the propensity of making a person feel as if they are under this big black cloud of sadness that they can’t escape from. Restlessness is different in the sense that you’re not really sad, things are actually probably going really well for you but you just don’t really see the point of certain things anymore. It’s like all of a sudden you wake up and feel like you’ve been living your life half asleep all this time. Some social events and gatherings that you previously anticipated eagerly, now just feel pointless and empty. You start asking yourself things like; why do I do this? why do I think like this? why did I say this mean thing to this person? etc etc..

This is a scary period to go through because it’s just so personal. Nobody can really help you. And consider yourself very lucky if you find people around you who are willing to listen and try to understand.

If you are experiencing restlessness the best thing to do is first to understand what is happening. You are becoming more aware. You’re growing, and growing is never a comfortable experience. Take a curious approach with it, so for example say things like “I wonder what this is all about, it will be fun to find out” rather than “I don’t know what I like, I don’t know what my purpose it, I’m stuck, I’m lost etc etc” .

Just breathe, clarity will come soon.

Acceptance

Have you ever done something thinking that with this change your whole life would be fixed and complete, only to then discover that after the initial high period always follows a lower low period? Something like changing partners, moving country, purchasing expensive material possessions or undergoing some kind of surgery/treatment for example.

This happens because you felt the void, the restlessness and you attempted to fill it. And when you discovered that it actually didn’t fix your whole life, you’re left feeling deflated and helpless.

It happened to me, I thought that if I move country, somewhere warm, sunny, friendly people, fantastic Mediterranean cuisine and laid-back lifestyle,  surely that would fix everything. But no. You see, wherever you go, there you are. You take with you your mind, your insecurities, your doubts and fears. You can’t run. But what you can do is just accept. Accept it. Accept your life the way it is now. Accept your job whatever it is at the moment. Accept your partner, friends and family however they are, and most importantly accept yourself exactly the way you are right now.  With all your perceived flaws and all.

When you do this the most interesting thing happens. When you actually do it, not just saying to yourself “ok, I’m gonna accept myself”. When you actually commit to never say one more bad thing about yourself, never look at your reflection in disgust again, and cease complaining about your life. Then, you feel empowered.

And when you take action from this place of empowerment, that is when real change happens.

And only when you are in this place of empowerment will you have some clarity as for the big questions of life mentioned at the beginning. Because empowerment gives you perspective, where previously you could only see the confusion.

When you are empowered you are being your true authentic self. And if you stick around in this empowered state for long enough, you will be introduced to the most incredible, most lovable, most sincere, most resourceful person you have ever come across. You.

Awareness: Diary extract 1

This isn’t a guru-type post. It’s not a post where I tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, what you should think or how you should live your life. This is simply a very real, raw and honest account of an experience I had. The experience itself may not sound super mystical and extraordinary but its effect on me was exactly that, mystical and extraordinary.

The reason why I’m sharing it is in the hope that it may be of value to someone out there.

Diary extract:

Thursday 29th November – 3:02AM

What an early time to write. The best time, some people say. It’s when the noise of the world quietens enough for us to hear that inner voice. That’s not exactly why I’m awake though.  I’m basically having another episode of anxious insomnia… again! I’ve been tossing and turning with no success. Then, at precisely 2:59AM the TV went on by itself, with no image but just a light grey background, bright enough for me to open my eyes and see it and then it went off. And now the red light keeps flashing. This has never happened before. I was startled but I wouldn’t say scared. If anything, I felt a relief, that I’m not alone or at least I didn’t feel alone in that moment. Just trying to figure out what I was thinking about before this happened…I’m not quite sure but I sense that it was a little nudge for me to get up and write about the insight I had last night, well tonight. I was laying in bed with a head full of thoughts and then a kind of wave of clarity washed over me and suddenly I became aware that these thoughts being like a line of laundry, each piece of clothing representing a thought. The image of millions of “laundry lines” just zigging and zagging from every direction popped into my mind. These lines of thoughts are just passing by, they aren’t even mine! That one insight was enough to detach me from thoughts in that instance and see or more accurately,  realise, that all those “I’m this, I’m that, I need to do this, I should do that” they are all just thoughts. And they may very well not even be mine! – meaning that they are not originating from my essence/higher self/soul. That garbage ain’t mine, thanks! And then I became aware that this awareness that I’m having right now is actually who I am. The feeling I got at this moment can most accurately be compared to the feeling of relief. What a relief! To experience what its like to be you minus the judgements, minus the stupid thoughts going on in your mind all the time… talk about relief!! I think this is the first time in my life I experienced ME and was aware of it. And it was so good, it was so so good! Then, sensing an opportunity in the air, I asked the question, “what is the best way for me to navigate this world?” and the response I received by the brilliant, bright, intelligent, wise and loving self that is ME was “just be present in the moment, be aware of what is happening and simply respond to what the situation calls for and allow the energy to flow”. This makes sense to me as I’ve experienced this flow many times before especially when I’m at work and in the flow of things and have no time to consider myself and preoccupy myself with thoughts about what I might look like or what someone might be thinking about me. I am simply in the moment or more precisely I am the moment. I’m simply responding to what the moment calls for. This is when I do my best work and this is when I feel at the height of all heights! And then, in a glimpse, another wave of clarity washed over me. This time much more powerful and intense. The message was clear and it was “This is what you want! That flow. The feeling of the energy flowing through you. This is who you are and this energy flowing through you is what gives you life”. So I guess our job here is to get to know ourselves really well and find out what gets us into that flow and do that. And when you’re in that flow, no effort or motivation is required. No “hard work” is necessary because you’ve got the energy that creates worlds flowing through you, you’re powerful and you’re smart and you’re creative and when you project all that into what you are doing, that’s when miracles happen. That’s when you are fulfilling your potential and that’s when you’re living your best life!